Phileo Love
“Has anyone ever told you you’re cheesy?” my friend asked in retort. All I could do was laugh. I don’t want to be a cheesy person, if I am being honest. I would much rather level my audience with laughter than make them cringe as they smile. Somehow, though, I felt a great sense of accomplishment having had that effect on my friend. While I had not made him “bust a gut” with my joke, I had achieved something I deemed far better: finding a place in his heart.
I think if we were honest with ourselves, we would all love to have that legendary sort of friendship we’ve heard rumors of and seen depicted in various media. Just like Leslie Knope and Ron Swanson in Parks and Recreation, we wish we could engage in playful banter and friendly competition even when we see fault in another person. We would all love to have someone beside us like Samwise Gamgee who, in spite of incredible odds and towering mountains, is willing to look at our burden and say, “I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you and it as well” (Tolkien 919). We desire the warmth, energy, and love that come from a close-knit friendship like the one David and Jonathan shared in the Bible (1 Samuel 18:1, ESV). Sometimes it can feel like we look far and wide for such a friendship. If only we could find it in the modern day!
“A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24, ESV). The Bible, with its forever-true wisdom, seems to claim that we can indeed find such a thing. Pore over the volumes of Scripture, and you will find such a friend clearly described. He is the sort of friend who will never leave us (Matthew 28:20, ESV). He is the sort of friend who will plead our case in the highest courts in all Creation (Romans 8:34, ESV). He is the sort of friend who is not repulsed even by the ugliest parts of ourselves (Luke 15:2, ESV). Whether you desire to be a wonderful friend or to have a wonderful friend, know that there can never be any friend as good as Jesus. He not only offers us His friendship, but He also teaches us how to offer the same to others.
Meet Your New Best Friend
“Jesus wept” (John 11:35, ESV). The shortest verse in the Bible is also one of the most striking. What could possibly bring the King over all things and the source of all joy to drench himself in full-bodied tears? His friend had died, of course. Lazarus was no mere acquaintance of the Christ – Scripture recounts that, before his death, Lazarus’s sisters had pleaded with Jesus: “Lord, he whom you love is ill” (John 11:3, ESV). Those who looked on as Jesus wept before Lazarus’s tomb saw it, too: “So the Jews said, ‘See how he loved him!’” (John 11:36, ESV). This is a different kind of love than what a parent might show a child or what a husband or wife might show a spouse. It is even different from the never-ending loving-kindness exemplified in the love of God. The word for love in both of these passages is phileo – the love of brotherhood, sisterhood, or camaraderie.
It should come as no surprise that we can learn quite a bit about the bonds of friendship from our Savior. It was He who uttered – and then backed up – the words: “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.” (John 15:13-15, ESV). We can see here in His words a few key ideas about love and fellowship.
As our friend, Jesus wants what is best for us and is also willing to tell us what that might look like. What kind of friend withholds the truth from the one he loves? When Jesus gave us commands (John 15:14), He was showing us the way of life. The commands of God are not overbearing; they describe what is good and perfect and true. These commands are life-giving, even though they might make us uncomfortable at times. Regardless of how they were going to make us feel, though, Jesus freely gave us the truth for our own good. Scripture describes this principle clearly in its proverbs: “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy” (Proverbs 27:6, ESV). A friend desires for us to thrive, and so they are willing to tell us whatever is needed for us to do so. In a more lighthearted sense, phileo love is not: “I love you, but those pants make you look fat”; it is: “I love you, so I’m telling you that those pants make you look fat.”
As our friend, Jesus offers us a deep intimacy as well. You can always tell if somebody is or will be a good friend by what happens when that person sees something deeper than the everyday in you. Do they run away from you in awestruck terror after learning one of your deeper secrets, or does their newfound knowledge somehow, even inexplicably, draw you two closer than you were before? Certainly, Jesus never had any baggage, but He did come into our humble existence and reveal to us some of the mysteries of Heaven (John 15:15). The special bond two friends share is fragile at best when they do not share a depth of knowledge about one another. Certainly, this has shown true in experience for many; walking through adversity with another person can bond us to them because of the new wealth of shared experience such a thing offers. The more challenging the obstacles, the more strongly we identify with what each other has been through, and the richer we find the bond of camaraderie. Certainly we can take a lesson from Jesus, in this regard, and know that the sharing of ourselves is the only way to truly forge the bonds of love and friendship.
As our friend, finally, Jesus helps us carry our burdens and lighten our loads. He said at the Last Supper, “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you” (John 15:16, ESV). Jesus understands everything we are going through. He knows the importance and the challenge of the trials of life. The author of Hebrews said it well of our Savior: “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:15-16, ESV). Friends don’t let friends go through things alone, even when some sacrifice might be involved in helping each other through the hardship. Because He loves us as a friend, He has invited us to call upon His name at any time and receive His help.
A Word Of Caution
Jesus’s example of friendship and how to phileo is one we should transplant into our lives as completely as possible. However, as we do so, a small word of caution would seem to be appropriate as performing a word study on the word phileo in the New Testament produces a chilling result (“Phileo – Strong’s Dictionary”). In roughly 25 mentions, almost half the uses of phileo refer to having fellowship with something in some sort of negative sense. Three occurrences describe the Pharisees’ love of wealth, power, and influence (Matthew 6:5, Matthew 23:6, Luke 20:46). Five uses have to do with the idea of devoting higher love to something other than God, regardless of whether or not that thing is sinful in and of itself (Matthew 10:37, John 12:25, John 15:19, Revelation 22:15). In 1 Corinthians 16:22, the Apostle Paul uses the word to state that a lack of this kind of love for the Lord Jesus implies a total separation from the fellowship of believers. Perhaps most harrowing of all, three instances of the word refer to the kiss that Judas Iscariot bestowed upon Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane (Matthew 26:48, Mark 14:44, Luke 22:47). Out of context, this kiss was a cordial greeting between two dear friends. In full truth, it was the sign that betrayed the Christ into the hands of His murderers.
Phileo love is not the sort of love you can share with an enemy (“What Is Phileo Love?”). Whereas God commands us to show something like agape love to everyone just as He has shown it to us, phileo love can only be shown to those with whom we share the bonds of friendship and fellowship. For instance, God has commanded us to forgive everyone who wrongs us, but He has not commanded us to give our trust to everyone once we have forgiven them. The former is an agape kind of love; the latter is phileo.
We can have fellowship with or show adoration to just about anything, but we must be wise in how we do so. The Bible is rife with warnings that to be friends with God is to be an enemy of the world, of the flesh, and of the Devil – and vice versa. The Apostle Paul warned, “For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do” (Galatians 5:17, ESV). The Apostle John admonished, “If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth” (1 John 1:6, ESV). Jesus declared, “So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven, but whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 10:32-33, ESV). Our choice of friends can be polarizing, so let us make the decision wisely.
Love As You Have Been Loved
Thankfully, the choice is simple even if it is not easy. We must choose Christ! We must offer Christ our full heart in friendship just as He has done for us. If you struggle with friendships in your life, watch what happens when you focus on your friendship with Christ first. If you cling to Jesus as your best Friend and big Brother, don’t you think eventually He is going to introduce you to some of His other friends? Don’t you think that He is going to show you how to be a friend to them as well, just as He is their friend? Since only His friendship can truly endure, don’t you think taking after Him as a friend is the only way your love for another can truly last? So look to Christ as your example first, then “go, and do likewise” (Luke 10:37, ESV).
To feel bonded to someone with a strength that can endure fierce storms and back-breaking trials (Matthew 14:22-33), to adore and cherish that person with lavish warmth and fervor (John 13:1-11), to seethe at the horrendous hideousness of evil when it tears that person apart (Hebrews 1:8-9), to help bear the weight of that person’s humanity until it literally bursts out of you (John 11:35) – this is a phileo kind of love. This is how Jesus loves His friends, and this is how we can love our friends as well. May God help us as we try.
References:
Tolkien, J. R. R. 1892-1973. The Return of the King: Being the Third Part of The Lord of the Rings. New York, N.Y., Quality Paperback Book Club, 2001
GotQuestions.org. “What Is Phileo Love?” GotQuestions.Org, 21 Nov. 2012, www.gotquestions.org/phileo-love.html.
“G5368 – Phileō – Strong’s Greek Lexicon (KJV).” Blue Letter Bible, www.blueletterbible.org/lexicon/g5368/kjv/tr/0-1/. Accessed 23 Aug. 2023.